Are you on the verge of divorce, happily married or somewhere in between?

In my studies this week I have been reading from two great books and finding lots of advice on how to recognize some of the trouble spots in marriage. In the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John M. Gottman, PH.D., he points out some predictors of divorce. These items are signs that the marriage is in trouble and needs some help to be saved. There are six main points that he refers to as his indicators for predicting divorce.

1. Harsh Start-Up – starting out negative and accusatory
2. The Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling)
3. Flooding – feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed
4. Body Language
5. Failed Repair Attempts
6. Bad Memories – when we start to change our earlier memories to only reflect the bad.

All marriages have some ups and downs, some have more than others and some handle it well and others do not. We as couples have to watch out for these negative factors in our marriages and change them. Dr, Gottman gives us a great idea as to how to begin to check on our relationship with our spouse.

 “…whatever the current state of your marriage, it will benefit enormously if you support, reinvigorate, or, if necessary, resuscitate your friendship. The first step in this process is to take a look at how much you really (still) know about each other…”

 How many of us really still know our spouse?

In the book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, he also gives us some great advice on marriage. His advice comes from a more spiritual position, but I feel that the two tie in so well together. Dr. Goddard teaches us to change the question and in doing so change our relationship.

            “Instead of asking our partner questions such as:

• Why are you doing this to me?
• What’s wrong with you?
• Don’t you understand why this is important to me?

We switch mindsets. We ask ourselves questions such as:

• I wonder if I can understand why this is important to my partner?
• What is my partner really telling me?
• I wonder if I can understand his/her pain?
• Can I get God to help me get beyond myself in order to understand my spouse?
• How would the Good Samaritan minister to my partner?”

Just by doing these couple of simple things we can start to improve our marriages. So if we have a happy marriage or are on the verge of divorce, we can make changes that will start to head us in a positive and more eternal direction with our spouse. Each of us can work towards the marriage we all dream of having.