Drawing Closer in Marriage

I am amazed by how much I am learning in this class. This last weekend I was able to travel with my husband for work for the first time in our married life. He was giving a special presentation to a group of people in his company including some of the big wigs. We were able to get my mother in law to watch our children and we had almost three full days together. Some of it was spent in the business meetings, but the other part was spent really delving into our marriage and the things I have been learning in this class. We were able to really concentrate on each other and talk through some of the struggles we have each been having.  I am happy to report that things are improving and we are better than we have been in a while. 

TURN TOWARD EACH OTHER

I can really say that we concentrated on turning more toward each other this last couple of weeks and it is making a huge difference. In the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by Dr. John Gottman he gave us some do’s and do not’s for helping to make this happen.  There were a couple of obstacles that he talked about that I can see being huge hurdles for some and not such a big deal for others. They are:

1.     “Missing” a bid because it’s wrapped in anger or other negative emotion.

2.     Being distracted by the wired world. 

I am sure that many of us our hooked up to our electronics all the time these days, how many of us take time to put them away and spend time with our loved ones? I know that I am sometimes guilty of this. I am going to work on being better with this one in particular. I think we can all take time to turn more towards our loved ones and especially our spouses. Pay close attention to the little things that they do to show you they care.

CREATING SHARED MEANING

Dr. Gottman also shared some great advice on how to create more shared meaning in our relationships. He gave us “the four pillars of shared meaning” which are:

1.     Rituals of Connection

2.     Support for Each Other’s Roles

3.     Shared Goals

4.     Shared Values and Symbols

I have to say that I am really seeing so much that can come from taking all of the tests in Dr. Gottman’s book. One of the things that my husband and I are going to do is start reading the book together from the start. We are going to engage in all the activities and really dive into creating more connection in our marriage. We love each other and are ready to commit to making our marriage better. I hope that some of you will be willing to join us on our journey.

Love Maps, Fondness and Admiration in Marriage

In the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by Dr. Gottman, he taught us about the first two principles that he feels are important in marriage, they are “enhancing your love map” and “nurture your fondness and admiration”.

  

He teaches first about how important the love map is and how we need to develop it. He informs us that we need to:

 “…develop greater personal insight and a more detailed map of each others life and world. Getting to know your spouse better and sharing your inner self with your partner is an ongoing process. In fact, it’s a lifelong process.”

Getting to know each other and the things that they like and enjoy, gives couples insights to help make each other happy. He goes on to tell us:  

“Happily married couples don’t “just” know each other. They build on and enhance this knowledge in many important ways.”

There is a great link that I am going to include so that each of you can go with your spouse to take this quiz to see how well you know your partner.

https://www.gottman.com/how-well-do-you-know-your-partner/

The second principle he talks about is nurturing your fondness and admiration for each other. He tells us that:  

“Singing each others praises can only benefit your marriage. But in order to ensure that the gains continue, you need to put your respect and affection to work.”

I know that as I have been trying to integrate this into my own marriage that I am having a change of heart and some of that newly found love is breaking its way thorough. There is also a great questionnaire that I will put here that couples can do to find out where they stand on this subject also.

http://www.gottmanblog.com/sound-relationship-house/2014/10/28/fondness-and-admiration-assessment?rq=fondness

Are you on the verge of divorce, happily married or somewhere in between?

In my studies this week I have been reading from two great books and finding lots of advice on how to recognize some of the trouble spots in marriage. In the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John M. Gottman, PH.D., he points out some predictors of divorce. These items are signs that the marriage is in trouble and needs some help to be saved. There are six main points that he refers to as his indicators for predicting divorce.

1. Harsh Start-Up – starting out negative and accusatory
2. The Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling)
3. Flooding – feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed
4. Body Language
5. Failed Repair Attempts
6. Bad Memories – when we start to change our earlier memories to only reflect the bad.

All marriages have some ups and downs, some have more than others and some handle it well and others do not. We as couples have to watch out for these negative factors in our marriages and change them. Dr, Gottman gives us a great idea as to how to begin to check on our relationship with our spouse.

 “…whatever the current state of your marriage, it will benefit enormously if you support, reinvigorate, or, if necessary, resuscitate your friendship. The first step in this process is to take a look at how much you really (still) know about each other…”

 How many of us really still know our spouse?

In the book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, he also gives us some great advice on marriage. His advice comes from a more spiritual position, but I feel that the two tie in so well together. Dr. Goddard teaches us to change the question and in doing so change our relationship.

            “Instead of asking our partner questions such as:

• Why are you doing this to me?
• What’s wrong with you?
• Don’t you understand why this is important to me?

We switch mindsets. We ask ourselves questions such as:

• I wonder if I can understand why this is important to my partner?
• What is my partner really telling me?
• I wonder if I can understand his/her pain?
• Can I get God to help me get beyond myself in order to understand my spouse?
• How would the Good Samaritan minister to my partner?”

Just by doing these couple of simple things we can start to improve our marriages. So if we have a happy marriage or are on the verge of divorce, we can make changes that will start to head us in a positive and more eternal direction with our spouse. Each of us can work towards the marriage we all dream of having.

Covenant or Contractual Marriage

This week I read a talk by Bruce C. Hafen on Covenant Marriage. I was very impressed with the difference between a covenant marriage and a contractual marriage. How many of us go into a marriage knowing that there is a back door if we are not happy?  How many of us go into marriage planning to work through our problems, not looking for an escape route? How many of us truly feel that we are in this for better or worse and mean it? Do we really think about what worse might mean? 

In a contractual marriage the people come into the marriage with the attitude of when things get hard and I am not getting anything out of this relationship, I can back out of it. When we think about contracts, they are written so both parties are receiving something from them. When we think about a contractual marriage we think about each person giving their fair share or 50%. So what happens when one person feels like they are giving more, the contract is broken and the parties move on.

In a covenant marriage we are making promises and both parties are giving 100% to the marriage. There are times in a marriage when the split will be one person giving more than another. Taking care of each other is part of marriage and learning to give and take is what happens when you make covenants. Each party is giving the best that they have to the marriage at all times. If one of them slips then they work together to get back to being a couple. There are of course exceptions to this, but I want to concentrate on how most marriages can work. Most couples are capable of forming a covenant marriage.

I know that I am going to strive to give 100% to my marriage and I hope that I may have inspired some of you to do the same. We can all be part of a covenant marriage if we work at it. May the Lord bless us all as we strive for a covenant marriage.

References

Hafen, Bruce C. - https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1996/10/covenant-marriage?lang=eng