Gridlock and Dreams

This week was so full of good information that I am going to give two separate posts to break up some key information.  I just feel that leaving any of it out is not giving you what you need.

In Dr. John M. Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” he talks about overcoming gridlock, I want to share with you some of the ways Dr. Gottman tells us we will know you have reached gridlock in your marriage.

1.      You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution.

2.     Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.

3.     The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.

4.    Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out – giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.

Dr. Gottman also tells us that “gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn’t aware of, hasn’t acknowledged, or doesn’t respect.”

Dreams

I think that we all have dreams in our life. Some seem so unattainable due to finances and the challenges of daily life. One of the things Dr. Gottman talks about is that you need to figure out what your dreams are. Some of our dreams may not be very glamorous or grand, but we all have a dream.  I have always dreamed of living on a farm and being able to provide a lot of my family’s food.  We have started to see the start of that dream happen. What are your dreams? What are your spouse’s dreams? Are you supporting each other in your dreams?  I hope that we can all strive to build dreams and support our spouse in their dreams.

So this week we can all become “Dream Detectives” and truly work on discovering what our real dreams are. Sometimes we are afraid to make them known, or we may not even realize what they really are. Dr. Gottman makes this statement:

          “Keep working on your unresolvable conflicts. Couples who are demanding of their marriage are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions than those who lower their expectations.”

Once you have your dreams figured out, now it is time to start working with your spouse to overcome the gridlock issue.  Dr. Gottman gives us four steps to help in doing this:

1.      Explore the Dream(s)

2.     Soothe

3.     Reach a temporary compromise (the two-circle method)

4.    Say “Thank You”

I want to leave you with one final quote from Dr. Gottman this week. He gives us some great advice to help us achieve our dreams and make our marriages what we have always wanted.

       “Acknowledging and respecting each other’s deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is key to saving and enriching your marriage.”