Conflicts in Marriage

I know that my marriage is not perfect and we have problems.  In reading this week from Dr. John Gottman’s book entitled “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, we learn about a couple different kinds of problems in marriage.

          Here they “explain the difference between a solvable problem, a perpetual problem, and a gridlocked perpetual problem. 

• Solvable problems can be about housecleaning, disciplining children, sex, and in-laws. Solvable problems for one couple can be about the exact same topics that could be perpetual problems for a different couple. A solvable problem within a relationship is about something situational. The conflict is simply about that topic, and there may not be a deeper meaning behind the each partner's position. A solution can be found and maintained. 

• Perpetual problems are problems that center on either fundamental differences in your personalities, or fundamental differences in your life style needs. All couples have perpetual problems. These issues can seemingly be about the exact same topics as what for another couple might be solvable; however, unlike a solvable problem, these are the problems that a couple will return to over and over and over again. 

• Gridlocked perpetual problems are perpetual problems that have been mishandled and have essentially calcified into something "uncomfortable." When a couple tries to discuss a gridlocked issue, it can feel like they are “spinning their wheels” and getting nowhere. The nature of gridlock is that hidden agendas underlie the issue.”¹

As I continued to read there was a quiz for couples to see if the problems in the marriage are perpetual, solvable or not an issue.  I was glad to find that we had several problems that were not an issue out of the 17 questions.  There were many of them that had been a problem in the past, but we have worked through many of them.  Since starting this class we have been seeking to better our marriage and working through these exercises really helps us to open up the communication lines.

I want to leave you with some sound advice on how to “Solve your Solvable Problems” by Dr. Gottman.

1.     soft and not harsh start-up;

2.     effective use of repair attempts;

3.     monitor your physiology during discussions for warning signs of flooding;

4.     learn how to compromise;

     5.  become more tolerant of each other’s imperfections.² 

I hope that we will all be able to find ways to strengthen our relationships with our spouse so that we can have the marriage of our dreams.

References:

1   1.  http://www.gottmanblog.com/archives/2014/10/28/managing-conflict-solvable-vs-perpetual-problems?rq=solvable%20problems

2. http://hametapel.com/gottman.htm